Zhuang Yan hugged Xie Ning and brought him to the car.
Probably because his state of mind was too tired today, Xie Ning cried for a while and then slept in the car a bit. When Zhuang Yan woke him up, he found that his eyes were sore.
They were swollen from crying.
Zhuang Yan helped him open the car door after he got out of the car. “I wanted to let you sleep more, but seeing how your clothes are so wet, it’ll be bad for your body if you don’t get out of it soon. You can go upstairs and sleep after eating.”
Xie Ning changed his clothes, took a hot bath, then went downstairs. Zhuang Yan also changed into casual clothes for lounging around at home, and was busying himself in the kitchen.
Only then did Xie Ning remember that he got Zhuang Yan’s clothes wet.
People unfamiliar with Zhuang Yan would probably find it hard to imagine him busy in the kitchen.
A Zhuang Yan, with the smell of cooking oil on him, that was approachable.
The feeling he gave others was that he was too noble, and the gaze he used to look at others at was a bit scowly.
Others always say that he’s hard to deal with, has a lot to deal with, does whatever he wants, and only cares about his own comfort.
Xie Ning remembered a past event that Wang JianJian had mentioned when they were chatting.
At that time, his tone carried a sense that said the past was too tragic to reminisce upon, and said that past events shouldn’t be brought up again.
There were only a couple of days until shooting began, and it seemed like Zhuang Yan had gone crazy. He was dissatisfied with both the scene designs and concept art, and wanted to start over from scratch.
Starting it from scratch meant that everything had to be redrawn and redone, and the previously built scenes and props were all thrown away.
Wang JianJian didn’t mention it before, but he really wanted to pull Zhuang Yan out and beat him up.
Even Zhao Yan came out to try and persuade Zhuang Yan.
With filming just around the corner, to create something from scratch again, the budget would have to increase exponentially, and for every day that was wasted, it would cost millions more.
As a producer, how could he agree to something like this?
But Zhuang Yan insisted on it.
The entire crew couldn’t out-stubborn Zhuang Yan.
In the end, the art team worked overnight for many nights to produce a new scene design.
Because of this, the main artist at the time had an intense fight with Zhuang Yan, and they blacklisted each other, never to work together again.
And the money lost in this decision made Zhao Yang want to cry.
Xie Ning knew that Zhuang Yan was such a person, someone who did things as long as he wanted to.
He wasn’t willing to put up with others, wouldn’t compromise, and sought perfection in everything.
But in front of Xie Ning, Zhuang Yan was completely different.
Normal, comforting, and reliable.
Not the Director Zhao that the crew complained was too high above them all, but his own Mr. Blue Whale.
Zhuang Yan saw him come over. He raised his eyebrow and smiled, saying, “You’re just gonna watch me cook and not help?”
Xie Ning also knew how to cook. Of course, his skills weren’t as outstanding as Zhuang Yan’s but there wasn’t any problem with helping out.
Xie Ning asked, “Then I’ll help you wash the vegetables?”
Zhuang Yan nodded. “Okay.”
Then he took an apron and tossed it to him. “You just changed into new clothes and it’ll be troublesome if you get them wet again. Wear this apron instead.”
The apron’s ties were in the back, and it wasn’t very easy to tie. Xie Ning tied it haphazardly, until Zhuang Yan said, “The knot is too loose, you wouldn’t get very far before it comes undone. Let me help you.”
As he said this, he walked behind Xie Ning to tighten the knot, then lowered his head in thought. “I thought something seemed wrong. Aren’t you too skinny?”
Xie Ning subconsciously lowered his head to look at his own waist. “Am I? I think I’m okay.”
“You are.” Zhuang Yan very seriously nodded his head, then stretched his arm out to compare. “Look, I can practically encircle you with just one arm.”
He really could.
Zhuang Yan is a little taller than Xie Ning, but as they’re both men, there shouldn’t be a huge difference in body shape.
For some reason, Xie Ning always gave others the impression that he was too thin.
Zhuang Yan said, deep in thought, “I need to do something about that.”
Xie Ning, squeezed and hugged by Zhuang Yan just now, softened his posture and pushed him again. “The pot’s going to burn. Aren’t you going to check on it?”
Zhuang Yan was afraid that Xie Ning would catch a cold, so he was stewing a pot of healthy soup for him, and right now, it was almost boiling.
He walked over and took a look, then adjusted the stove to low heat.
After drinking this pot of healthy soup, Xie Ning’s originally ice-cold body warmed up.
But it rained too much during the day, and towards the second half of the night, Xie Ning’s cold worsened and he started to burn with a fever.
His fever didn’t go down even when morning came, and his consciousness became hazy. His reactions were also quite delayed.
Zhuang Yan helped him ask for a day off, and reached out his hand to test his temperature. He frowned and said, “I’ll take you to the hospital.”
Xie Ning paused for a moment before he pulled on Zhuang Yan’s sleeve. “...Not going to the hospital.”
As soon as he spoke, he found that his voice was a little hoarse.
He slowly said, “I’ll be fine after taking some cold medicine.”
After saying two sentences, he started coughing again.
Zhuang Yan furrowed his brows and looked at him for a while. “You’re already like this but you’re telling me you don’t want to go to the hospital?”
Xie Ning’s voice carried a bit of nasal sound. “I just don’t want to go.”
He even started acting cute.
Zhuang Yan thought this while his face remained expressionless.
Xie Ning’s consciousness liked to think of trivial things when he had a fever, and broken bits and pieces of things surfaced again. The past, the present; his thoughts jumped around a lot without any logic.
He remembered his early childhood, when he followed his parents to live in the south.
The difference between the north and the south was very large, and he wasn’t used to it at all in the beginning. Especially when it was winter, he couldn’t bear the dampness and cold of the south that was etched into his bones.
Every winter, he would always get a serious cold, and his condition stopped improving after every time.
Xia Wan was so anxious that she personally went to learn many different methods of making soup so that he could replenish the nutrients lost. Sometimes, when Xie Ning had a high fever at night, she would stay up next to him the entire night.
One time, when his cold was the worst it's ever been, he faintly heard Xia Wan cry while she scolded Xie Jing, saying that he only ever cared about work and didn’t care if his son lived or died.
Xia Wan was born into a scholarly family; Xie Ning’s grandparents were professors, and their whole family didn’t dabble in religion.
But that time, Xia Wan, in order for Xie Ning to get better, climbed up the steps of a mountain one by one to find the most famous local monk and asked him for a protection charm.
After Xie Ning really did get better, she became a vegetarian to redeem her vow.
Xia Wan was Xie Ning’s most respected and trusted person when he was a child.
When he was in elementary school, there was one time where they asked the students to write about the person they loved the most. Xie Ning wrote about his mom with no hesitation.
He believed that Xia Wan really, truly loved him. And he really did love her back.
That sort of love was kind that every mother had for her children, pure and red-hot.
But Xie Ning didn’t know why it turned into what it is now.
Xie Ning’s impression of his father wasn’t very deep; not because he rarely saw Xie Jing, but because Xie Jing was immersed in his work, year after year. Even though they were like night and day, Xie Ning’s feelings towards him were never as deep as they were for Xia Wan.
This is probably the case for most families in the country. The father is responsible, while the mother is the caregiver.
The child, therefore, is naturally closer to his mother.
So after figuring out his sexuality, he was confused and unsettled for a long while, and chose to tell Xia Wan first.
He thought Xia Wan would understand him, comfort him, and get rid of his confusion.
But he’ll always remember Xia Wan’s expression that day.
Within the shock, there was a bit of disbelief, and some disgust and hatred that he didn’t understand.
Xie Ning had never seen Xia Wan like this before.
Xia Wan didn’t understand.
She thinks this is wrong.
She wants to correct Xie Ning back to how he “was”.
She felt like her child had set out on a crooked path, so she had the responsibility and the obligation to help him get back onto the right path.
Xie Ning felt like Xia Wan had changed into a completely different person.
Into someone paranoid, stubborn, unreasonable, and hysterical.
She even fought with Xie Jing, saying that it was because he didn’t care about him enough that Xie Ning turned into how he is now.
Xie Jing has always been helpless in front of her.
His fever continued.
Xie Ning sometimes felt like his body was very hot, and sometimes very cold.
He was so uncomfortable.
He originally had Zhuang Yan’s sleeve in his hand, but now, it was empty.
His heart also became empty.
He tried to wave his hand a couple times, but it seemed to weigh a thousand pounds, and he couldn’t lift it at all.
He wanted to open his eyes, but his consciousness was hazy and he couldn’t clear his mind no matter how hard he tried.
It was so dark.
This sort of feeling wasn’t new to him, though.
The road ahead of him was dark, and his consciousness disappeared bit by bit as his body continued to be uncomfortable.
It was just like how his life continued to slip past.
After an unknown amount of time.
Someone held his hand, and it was warm.
Right afterwards, he was shoved into the blankets and the corners of the blankets were firmly tucked in.
It seemed like someone was there.
To save him?
Something warm touched his lips, like it was trying to stick to him.
Then a warm liquid flowed into his mouth.
The will to survive made him subconsciously swallow.
His body’s temperature slowly decreased.
Xie Ning had energy again and began to think of random, nonsense things.
He remembered a long, long corridor.
He kept walking and walking, but wasn’t able to walk out of it.
It seemed like there was no end, but it also seemed like the end was a dead end.
He, and many others, wandered around the corridor.
Everyone’s face had a painful and numb expression.
Finally, someone couldn’t bear it anymore and opened a window in the corridor to jump out of it.
Xie Ning stared at that person’s figure in a daze.
He didn’t know if jumping out of the window was a sort of relief or another path to a dead end.
A pair of hands landed on his forehead.
Something was stuffed into his mouth.
After a little while, it was taken out again.
Xie Ning, in his jumbled mind, heard someone talking in his ear, as if they let out a breath of relief, “The fever finally went down.”
When he had fevers in the past, Xia Wan would also stay by his side like this. When he recovered, Xia Wan had lost a few pounds, as if she was the one who was seriously ill.
Xie Ning never doubted Xia Wan’s love for him.
He used to love and trust her completely as well.
But the hurt from the person closest to him also made it so much more painful for his heart and unforgettable.
It pained him so much.
It was so painful that he forgot how to show affection towards others.
Xie Ning tossed and turned for a while, then thought of Zhuang Yan again.
He didn’t ask how Zhuang Yan knew where he was yesterday.
Zhuang Yan didn’t ask why he went to the hospital either.
Did Zhuang Yan know that he was seeing a psychologist?
Did Zhuang Yan know about his illness? Did he know that he wasn’t able to give affection?
He was a little confused, and a little panicked.
Sometimes, he’d doubt his own feelings for Zhuang Yan. Is that what love is?
Can people with emotional apathy really give affection?
Or was he mistaking the sense of novelty for love?
When the novelty feeling faded, he wouldn’t love anymore.
Isn’t that...too unfair to Zhuang Yan?
But he wasn’t able to refuse Zhuang Yan.
The one looking after him right now is Zhuang Yan, isn’t it?
Xie Ning suddenly wanted to open his eyes and look at him.
Look at his Mr. Blue Whale.
But he was too tired. The medicine Zhuang Yan fed him probably contained ingredients for falling asleep, because he didn’t even open his eyes before he entered sleep again.
When he woke up, he didn’t even know if it was day or night.
He opened his eyes dazedly, and didn’t know what day it was.
After staying in place confusedly for a while, he moved a little.
Zhuang Yan was sleeping at his bedside.
The curtains to the balcony were wide open, and the weather was great.
Maybe because he was afraid the room would be too depressing and dull, Zhuang Yan had opened the curtains and opened the window a bit for ventilation.
Xie Ning looked to the side, and the first thing he saw wasn’t Zhuang Yan’s sleeping face.
It was the illuminating light that shone in.
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Twitter: @jiyangtrans
He keep trapped in the past