chapter 52 - am i sick?

Xie Ning thought, I’ve been waiting for this sentence for too long.

For so many years, it’s not that nobody told him that homosexuality isn’t a disease, and the country had already passed a law allowing same-sex marriage.

But these words from the mouth of a psychologist have a different meaning.

It was as if an authority figure was ceremoniously removing the shackles on him and declaring him innocent.

Xie Ning originally thought that his inner heart would have some sort of movement at a time like this, but when he listened, there wasn’t anything much.

Others’ hearts were brilliant and glittering lakes that would ripple when a stone was tossed in.

The lake in his own heart was frozen with ice, and the stone slammed onto the ice with a huge sound, but then disappeared without a sign.

So Xie Ning just blinked, and even smiled imperceptibly.

His emotions were too weak and too bland, and right now, even joy was separated from him by a thick, thick layer of ice.

Only one person was different.

Only in front of Zhuang Yan will those ice cubes slowly melt, as if winter was turning into spring, as if a black and white painting was being colored, showing his vivid inner world.

If his emotions were turned into countless threads, then Elder Xie and Yan Xi would each be tied to one. The rest would be wrapped around Zhuang Yan.

“Thank you.” Xie Ning said to Ji WenBin. “Thank you for letting me hear these words.”

If he were to take a sip of water now, he’d find that the water was swaying in the cup, then find his trembling hands.

It’s not that he doesn’t have emotions and feelings, but even he has forgotten them.

A couple of thoughts flashed through Ji WenBin’s mind, until he finally smiled thoughtfully at Xie Ning and said, “If you have any unhappy experiences and feelings, you can talk about them to me.”

Xie Ning lowered his gaze, thought for a little, and slowly started speaking.

……

Xie Ning rarely ever thought about his experiences before adulthood, as most of them were unhappy.

When he did occasionally think of it, the deepest impression he had was of psychological counselors repeatedly saying in his ear, “homosexuality is a mental illness”, and Xia Wan’s occasional hysteria.

Those psychological counselors would always ask him a lot of questions, digging out his past, trying to find clues about him that made him abnormal.

They would look at him with pity, but that sort of compassion creeped Xie Ning out.

As if they were saying: Although you have a mental illness, it’s okay, it can be cured as long as you listen.

As long as you listen.

Xia Wan would sometimes hug him and cry, saying with a mournful voice, “NingNing, it’s okay, you’ll become well again. Listen to Mom and don’t like men, Mom will make you into a normal person.”

Her expression really seemed like she was the mother of a terminally ill child, sad yet determined.

Xie Ning would occasionally become space out as he wondered if the “normal person” she talked about corresponded to homosexuality or neuropathy.

Or if, in Xia Wan’s eyes, there was no difference.

At first, he would try to express his own opinion to Xia Wan, saying, “Homosexuality is just a sexual orientation…”

All he got in return was Xia Wan’s hysterical rage. “Why is my son gay?! Why are you this sort of person?!”

Why am I this sort of person?

Xie Ning was silent afterwards.

Homosexuality is a mental illness.

It can be treated.

It can be corrected.

Xie Ning asked himself, was he really in the wrong?

Why did those psychological counselors come to the same conclusion as Xia Wan did?

Maybe he was really mentally ill?

When waking up from a dream in the middle of the night, he asked himself while staring into the moonlight,

Am I sick?

Am I sick?

Am I sick?

He was confused and perplexed.

Why does everyone say I’m sick?

Since he was a child, he’d always been serious and obedient, and Xia Wan had always been proud of having such a son.

When did Xia Wan’s gaze towards him turn from proud and caring to resentful and impatient?

What...did he do wrong?

Xia Wan took him to many psychological counselors, made him take various medicines, and used various correction methods and treatment plans.

But there was little effect.

Once, when he came out of a psychological counselor’s office with Xia Wan, she suddenly broke down and cried loudly, “NingNing, Mom is so uncomfortable. Why can’t you get better? Why can’t you just change?”

Xie Ning stood at the doorway, expressionless.

He looked at Xia Wan, heartbroken and distraught, but his heart was as calm as still water.

He didn’t feel any affection for someone who was related to him by blood, and couldn’t feel any sadness for her either.

A vast amount of snow seemed to cover his world, and the expression in his eyes was a barren expanse of white.

There was no life, and no joy.

Later, most likely because he became more and more silent, then interacted with the outside world less and less, the psychologist also diagnosed him with emotional apathy.

Xia Wan cried again, and said while crying, “NingNing, listen to Mom, Mom will cure you.”

Xie Ning looked at her face, and a sense of exhaustion swept from the deepest point of himself throughout the rest of his body.

He didn’t say anything, just mockingly curled the corner of his lips.

And said in his heart: I really did become insane.

……

The weather outside wasn’t really nice.

When he left in the morning, there was still some sun, but right now, there was a strong wind mixed with rain that dampened the corners of people’s clothes.

When he pushed open the glass door, Xie Ning was caught off guard by the heavy wind and was so surprised that he had to bend his body.

Someone next to him steadied him, and said, “Careful.”

Xie Ning nodded towards them and quietly said thank you.

He didn’t bring an umbrella, so he started to hesitate.

He came to see the psychologist behind Zhuang Yan’s back, so he didn’t ask the driver for a ride.

He hadn’t taken the driver’s test before either, because he didn’t think it was a big deal. He realized now that it was quite inconvenient without one.

When he finally walked to the hospital’s front entrance, his clothes were completely soaked, so he probably had to take a hot bath when he got home.

But he would most likely get sick.

He pursed his lips.

There were too many people getting taxis at the front entrance.

Xie Ning slowly found a bus stop sign, but the wind was too strong today and rendered the bus stop sign useless as cover from the rain. The wind was blowing slantedly, and mixed with the rain. When he wiped his face, he found that it was covered with water splatters.

There were seats for people to take a break at the bus stop. Although there were a lot of people there at this time, the seats were empty and completely soaked.

Xie Ning waited for a long while, and finally there were a couple of taxis, but he wasn’t able to fight for them against the others.

Finally, when the people were almost gone, a pregnant woman with a large belly came to stand next to him.

When the last taxi stopped in front of them, Xie Ning’s movements were a bit slow since he didn’t want to fight a pregnant woman for the taxi.

The woman got into the car and pulled down the window to ask him, “Young man, where are you heading? If it’s along the way, do you want to go together?”

Xie Ning paused.

The pregnant woman said, “It’s hard to wait for a taxi right now; you’ll have to wait a long while for just one to come by. You’re already completely wet, so let’s share a car to save your situation.”

Unfortunately, Lakeside Villa and the pregnant woman’s home were in different directions. Even if the pregnant woman was willing, the driver wasn’t willing to go around the whole city in the wind and rain.

Xie Ning smiled at the woman. “It’s okay, I’ll just wait for a while longer.”

Fewer and fewer people were around.

The sound of wind and rain was continuously loud, which matched Xie Ning’s disorganized mind. He waited for a while but couldn’t find a single taxi, so he thought he might as well sit on the cold seat.

His pants were thoroughly soaked anyways.

The rain continued to fall.

Xie Ning stared at the water droplets that mingled together blankly. His cluttered mind slowly turned blank.

If the person that was sitting here wasn’t Xie Ning, he might have been able to draw this rain scene and enjoy the romance of the lonely journey between the skies and the earth.

He smiled in spite of his troubles. He stared at the people crossing the road with their umbrellas in the distance and the busy streets, where car tires splashed water into the shape of a flower when it went through a small puddle.

After staring for a while, he was so cold that his body began to tremble. When his hand reached for his phone in his pocket, he paused.

His phone was vibrating.

Xie Ning suddenly remembered that he could call the driver and ask him to pick him up.

He pursed his lips.

Today really was...He didn’t know what he was thinking about at all.

His phone was still vibrating. He took it out and saw that it was a phone call from Zhuang Yan.

Right when he was about to pick up, his wet hands dropped the phone. It fell to the ground, rolled a little, and finally landed in a small puddle.

Xie Ning took a couple steps to pick up the phone.

His luck today was consistently bad.

His phone screen was shattered.

But he could still talk into it, right?

Xie Ning had just picked up Zhuang Yan’s call, but before he could hear anything, the screen went black.

Maybe because of the water.

Xie Ning: “...”

He looked at the black cell phone screen, and a sense of unfairness rose in his heart.

He bit his lip and thought: Even the phone is bullying me.

Xie Ning had absolutely no idea what he should do now.

The rain pattered onto his forehead and slid downwards, where it was held by his eyelashes for a little while, and when he blinked, it would fall and make it look like he was crying.

After a while, everything in front of him turned hazy, and he couldn’t see anything clearly.

He sat blankly at the bus stop.

After who-knows-how-long, a black car parked in front of him.

He felt like the car model looked familiar, and couldn’t help but take a couple more glances at it.

The more he looked, the more familiar it seemed…

Someone got out of the car with an umbrella.

This man looks familiar too.

Xie Ning wiped his eyes, trying to get rid of the rain so that he could look at the man more clearly.

In this short amount of time, that man had already opened the umbrella and walked to stand right in front of him.

Xie Ning blinked, but his eyes were wet again immediately.

The man’s figure was very familiar, and his voice was familiar as well. “What? You don’t recognize me?”

Hearing this voice, Xie Ning’s nose suddenly stung.

“Did you cry?” he asked, his voice sounding panicked. “Don’t cry, aren’t I here now to take you home?”

Xie Ning raised his head, and when he saw that well-defined face, he suddenly couldn’t bear it anymore and plunged into his arms. “Zhuang Yan.”

Zhuang Yan hugged him, and his voice came from above his head. “Mhm, I came.”

Most of Zhuang Yan’s clothes were dry, except for the shoulder area and the hem of his pants.

Xie Ning is not someone who cries often, but when he was taken into that dry and warm embrace, he started to cry.

It was as if he finally found an embrace that made him feel peaceful and that he could rely on, an embrace that let him unrestrainedly vent all his grievances and pains.

He wanted to say, I feel terrible.

Uneasy, pained, wronged, and sad.

The pains that he couldn’t confide in anyone. The pains that nobody could understand.

They were as small as the phone that just broke, and as large as the silent resistance he’d kept all these years.

He has a good memory, and his dusty memories emerged again, little by little, like old and yellowed photos with a bit of dust on them.

So the grievances that he’d forgotten came sweeping back at once.

When he elaborated on his past in front of Ji Wenbin, he was still quiet and calm, even a little indifferent, as if those things had passed since long ago and didn’t affect him today.

But when he rushed into Zhuang Yan’s arms, all his emotions came alive again.

He couldn’t help but cry freely.

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