chapter 44 - insouciance

Xie Ning stared at Sheng ShiSong with bright eyes until the end of the audition, entirely not noticing Zhuang Yan next to him, whose face turned darker and darker.

The meaning of the look in Xie Ning’s eyes couldn’t be any clearer to him.

Many directors have this same look in their eyes when they meet an actor who fills them with inspiration.

There were even directors who created scripts specifically for an actor.

When talking about an artist, the look appears in their eyes when they’ve found a muse.

The light of creation, the source of inspiration.

Zhuang Yan was not pleased with this.

Usually, only a short part of the script is needed for an audition.

But Sheng ShiSong is the person that WenXin pushed for.

When Sheng ShiSong finished auditioning with all the parts, applause sounded from all around him.

Sheng ShiSong only needs a short time to get into the role, and a short time to exit the role. When his audition was over, he put away the casual, loitering temperament and put back the gentle smile on his face.

Xie Ning found the whole experience very novel, and couldn’t help but look a couple more times again.

His mind was full of inspiration now; if it wasn’t because there were too many people around him, he would have immediately flown back to his computer and started drawing.

Everyone was very satisfied with Sheng ShiSong’s performance, and Zhuang Yan was the only one who hmphed, not loudly and not softly.

Sheng ShiSong very gracefully asked, “Director Zhuang means…?”

Zhuang Yan pondered for a while. “I need to think about it some more.”

At this moment, everyone in the room looked over, and even Xie Ning’s eyes widened.

If he wasn’t satisfied with this, then how high were his requirements?

Fortunately, Zhao Yang knew what kind of temperament Zhuang Yan had and how picky he was, so he directly pulled his sleeve and asked, “You’re still not satisfied?”

Zhuang Yan replied slowly, “His skills are satisfactory, but the feeling isn’t enough. Although he relied on some small movements to express and support the character, the look in his eyes didn’t have enough feeling.”

He wasn’t deliberately trying to make things difficult for Sheng ShiSong.

Sheng ShiSong’s performance method is a typical method. When it comes to emotion and experience, Zhuang Yan’s standards definitely couldn’t be reached in a short amount of time.

Zhao Yang remembered his fussy energy, and couldn’t help but roll his eyes. “Feeling and whatever can’t be figured out in such a short time. When he joins the crew and tries for a couple of days in the crew, I’m guessing it’ll probably be good enough.”

Zhuang Yan thought about it, and didn’t refute him.

Zhao Yang, seeing there was hope, quietly tried to persuade him with a few sentences, and finally made him nod his head, albeit a little restrained.

Wang CongLiang quietly wiped off the sweat that had collected on his head, and muttered to the person next to him that even if he was beaten to death, he never wanted to work with Zhuang Yan again.

There was no other director in China that made things so difficult.

“You haven’t seen enough?” When most people had left already, Zhuang Yan expressionlessly sat next to Xie Ning, and asked him this in a deep voice.

For some reason, Xie Ning felt a little guilty, and his voice cracked a little. “I-I’m okay.”

Zhuang Yan felt like his stomach was filled with knocked over vinegar bottles, and the sourness overflowed until one could smell it from afar.

Was this Sheng ShiSong so handsome that he couldn’t even beat him?

Xie Ning even grabbed his hand. When he noticed that Zhuang Yan didn’t say anything, he couldn’t help himself and asked, “Is there a paper and pen around?”

He was afraid that the inspiration would be gone soon, so he only wanted to find a piece of paper to draw on it first.

Zhuang Yan didn’t move and calmly looked at him in the midst of all the bustle. He raised his eyebrows, asking, “Did you really find your muse?”

Xie Ning blinked at him blankly. “What muse?”

Zhuang Yan lifted his chin at the door. “The Sheng ShiSong that just left. Didn’t you find inspiration as soon as you saw him?”

Xie Ning looked at the door, then looked back at Zhuang Yan with a strange expression on his face. After a while, he hesitantly asked, “Are you...jealous?”

Zhuang Yan: “...”

Although that was the case, when Xie Ning said it, he found it a little frustrating.

Xie Ning didn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

But seeing Zhuang Yan like this made him feel like he was more real.

He couldn’t help himself and leaned over, afraid that Zhuang Yan was actually mad, to hurriedly explain, “It’s not what you think.”

Zhuang Yan lowered his eyes. “You were staring at him ever since he walked in.”

Xie Ning said, “When normal people see celebrities...don’t they all look at them more than once?”

Zhuang Yan complained again, “You stared at him the whole time during the audition too.”

Xie Ning widened his eyes innocently. “During the audition, everyone was watching him.”

Zhuang Yan said, “...When the audition was over you still kept looking at him.”

Xie Ning: “I didn’t.”

Zhuang Yan raised his eyes and glanced at him, then snorted coldly, “You got inspiration as soon as you saw him!”

Xie Ning was even more confused. “...Didn’t you bring me to the audition to try and help me find inspiration?”

Zhuang Yan: “...”

He felt upset all over and when Xie Ning said this, he didn’t say anything for a while.

Xie Ning couldn’t help it and laughed out loud, burying his head at the base of Zhuang Yan’s neck.

Zhuang Yan took a deep breath. “You’re still laughing!”

Xie Ning held back his laugh. “It’s really not what you think it is…”

Zhuang Yan stared at him for a while, and asked, “Then what is it?”

Xie Ning said, “You know that I used to draw for original game paintings, right?”

Zhuang Yan made a sound in affirmation and said, “I know.”

Xie Ning asked, “Then do you know why I wanted to switch to the film and television industry?”

Zhuang Yan was silent for a few seconds, and asked, “Why?”

“Because of <The Monologue>.” As he spoke, Xie Ning turned his head to the side, and the tips of his eras mysteriously started to turn red. “I was infatuated with the scenes in <The Monologue>, and afterwards, I found many more of your movies before I started to truly want to try doing film and television design.”

Zhuang Yan’s lips moved. “You’re saying…”

Xie Ning didn’t really dare to look at him, and he almost couldn’t say the words that followed. He persisted, and said, “Thes source of my inspiration has always been you. The reason I had inspiration today is also because it’s the male protagonist of your movie.”

Zhuang Yan’s heart moved, and said in a low voice, “Darling, look into my eyes and say that again.”

Xie Ning, embarrassed, turned completely red, and only looked at him after a long time. “You’re my muse.”

The upset feeling Zhuang Yan was having was completely smoothed over by this one sentence.

He looked at Xie Ning for a while, sighed silently, and thought in his heart, I really fell headfirst for you.

After being interrogated, Xie Ning’s face was still red as he climbed down from Zhuang Yan, and asked again, “Can you give me pen and paper now?”

Zhuang Yan helplessly said, “Can I even say no?”

Xie Ning laughed again.

After getting him pen and paper, Zhuang Yan watched him single-mindedly draw a draft while he was deep in thought.

Xie Ning was afraid of heights?

He repeatedly recalled Xie Ning’s reaction at the time and felt like something was wrong.

When he put his hand in his pocket, he felt a piece of paper.

It was the paper that Ji WenBin gave him the other day with his contact information on it.

Zhuang Yan had saved it in his phone a long time ago, but for some reason, he didn’t throw away the paper yet.

He remembered how he blocked Yan Xi that day in front of Ji WenBin’s office door.

At that time, Yan Xi frowned and asked after a while, “What do you want to know?”

Zhuang Yan always felt like Yan Xi had kept many things secret, perhaps to protect Xie Ning.

But he couldn’t deny that he hated that.

Therefore, the tone of his voice wasn’t very good. “We’re both doing this for his sake. You’re still going to hide things from me about Xie Ning’s condition?”

Yan Xi said, “Dr. Ji didn’t tell you, so obviously he wouldn’t tell me either.”

Zhuang Yan raised his chin at him. “Dr. Ji had also said that Xie Ning had received psychotherapy before. You can’t say that you don’t know anything about it, right?”

Yan Xi opened his mouth to say, “Didn’t I say before…”

“That thing about Schrodinger’s depression?” Zhuang Yan raised his eyebrows. “Do you think I’ll still believe it now?”

Yan Xi choked when he was interrupted, then rubbed his forehead. Zhuang Yan was seriously such a difficult person that he couldn’t dodge the question anymore.

Zhuang Yan, the god, was still saying, “I don’t mind staying here the whole day with you.”

Yan Xi was silent for a while, then asked, “Have you heard of...emotional apathy?”

Zhuang Yan paused. “Emotional...apathy?”

He shook his head honestly. “I haven’t heard of it.”

Yan Xi’s eyes met his own, and then he turned away. “That’s what Xie Ning’s last psychologist told him.”

……

[Emotional Apathy]

Zhuang Yan really didn’t know what it was.

He later searched on the Internet for what emotional apathy was, and the Internet’s explanation is:

[Lack of reaction to emotions, slow reactions, lack of interest in people or things, no sense of responsibility, does not care about people, and dislikes dealing with others.

Even their closest family members cannot establish a truer and deeper emotional bond with them.]

Zhuang Yan always felt like something was wrong, but he couldn’t put a finger on it.

He asked in his heart: Is Xie Ning like this?

The information he found online wasn’t very clear, and after searching for a long time, he found an emotionally apathetic patient’s confession on some random website.

What kind of experience is it to suffer from emotional apathy?

Patient A: I don’t have feelings for anything; if others exaggeratedly praise me or scold and slander me, it all doesn’t matter to me and isn’t important, nor will I have an urge to respond.

I have no experience when it comes to birth, old age, sickness, death, happiness, anger, love, and joy. I rarely experience different moods, and my heart seems to be stagnant.

When a family member passes away, the first emotion I feel isn’t sadness, but I think, “Do I need to cry at this time?”

When there’s a happy incident at home, the first emotion I feel isn’t happiness, but I think, “Do I need to smile at this time?”

So my crying and laughing doesn’t represent sadness or joy, but I act like a processor. When I feel like I need to do something at a certain moment, I react like a normal person.

Occasionally I’ll feel confused and scared because I feel like I’m terrifying, but this feeling is also quite faint.

Patient B: Whatever, doesn’t matter, refuse to be moved.

I don’t like to socialize, and I don’t want others to notice me. After interacting with me for a long time, others will find me very old.

I’m most indifferent towards my loved ones, probably because our connection is too close and I don’t know how to return their feelings.

Patient C: The biggest problem is how I handle feelings, I guess.

I’ve dated a few times before, but I’m the only one that knows I didn’t return any feelings from the beginning until the end. It’s not that I don’t want to, but that I can’t.

The person I am dating is like a toy to me; they feel like a new thing, but even if we break up, I wouldn’t feel sad.

When a lover tells me they love me, I can respond, “I love you.”

But there’s absolutely no movement within my heart.

Zhuang Yan closed the webpage expressionlessly.

Honestly, he didn’t believe it very much.

……

Xie Ning was still attentively drawing his draft.

Zhuang Yan rubbed the piece of paper in his pocket, then took out his phone calmly and sent Ji WenBin a text message.

[Hello, Dr. Ji, this is Zhuang Yan. If it’s convenient for you, can you call me tonight to discuss something when you have the opportunity to?]

A few minutes later, Ji WenBin replied that he could.

Twitter: @jiyangtrans