chapter 32 - tattoo's meaning

Xie Ning’s heart beat rapidly as Zhuang Yan held his hand and walked on the street together.

He licked his lips and couldn’t help but tighten his hand a little.

Interlocking fingers made each of their fingers tangle together, which was a little more intimate than a normal handshake.

It was like their hearts were also tightly entangled.

Feeling Xie Ning’s movement, Zhuang Yan couldn’t help but curl up the corner of his lips.

The dirty old man’s heart inside of him began to move around again. Although he always kept it in the back of his mind that he needed to be more gentle, when he talked, his words still carried a teasing tone.

“Do you think we look like a couple shopping around right now?”

Xie Ning was startled, and the tips of his ears uncontrollably started to turn red again.

At this time, there were a good amount of people on the street, and in front of the, a short distance away, there was a small plaza playing music. Coincidentally, there happened to be activities today, and a lot of people passed by them.

After same-sex marriage became legal, same-sex couples didn’t hide as much as they did before, and they were no longer stared at by passerbys if they were in public spaces.

But others subconsciously glanced a couple more times at Zhuang Yan and Xie Ning.

Two extremely handsome guys of such a level and with such an appearance was too eye-catching no matter what.

Zhuang Yan leaned in to Xie Ning’s ear and whispered, “When others see us like this, they definitely think we’re a couple. Who could guess that I’m just someone who’s following you without a label, ai…”

He pretended to sigh, and his warm breath swept across Xie Ning’s earlobes, making him even more embarrassed. “Stop talking.”

Xie Ning’s face was much too thin, so he couldn’t even bear a couple of teasing sentences, and couldn’t learn how to retort him.

Zhuang Yan was afraid of scaring him away, so he chuckled and actually stopped talking.

Today, Xie Ning had learned his lesson and was fully dressed and armed, not giving Zhuang Yan a chance to dote on him.

He didn’t know how the light-colored plush coat was designed; on the hood, there was a ball of fluff, and there were two fluff balls at the collar as well, swaying around with his movements.

Zhuang Yan stared at those two balls for a while, and thought in his heart, Even children’s clothes aren’t designed this cutely.

He remembered that Xie Ning’s clothes were of pretty good quality, and every outfit was matched refreshingly. Today, he was probably going for a...warm, plush feeling?

He nodded satisfactorily.

Xie Ing’s body looked too thin, and even if he wore a lot of clothes, he wouldn’t be round like a ball. Instead, he just looked fluffy and deathly cute.

The two of them went with the flow and followed other people to the music plaza.

There was probably a band playing on stage in the middle of the plaza, as there were a bunch of people crowded around in a dark circle.

Zhuang Yan knew that Xie Ning didn’t like crowded places, so he didn’t take him over to the crowd. Instead, he found a spot that wasn’t too close and wasn’t too far where the faint sound of music could be heard.

The performance stage wasn’t very tall. Xie Ning curiously stretched his head to look over, but could only see one head after another, and felt a little disappointed.

Zhuang Yan chuckled. “I have an idea to let you see the people inside.”

Xie Ning, curious, asked, “What idea?”

Zhuang Yan slowly said, “You can sit on my shoulders and I’ll lift you up to see them.”

Xie Ning, as an artist, Xie Ning quickly filled in the image in his head with Zhuang Yan’s description.

Right after, Xie Ning glared at him. “Do you think I’m a child!”

Since he was such a big person, how could Zhuang Yan possibly carry and move him?

Zhuang Yan continued to tease him. “Do you want to try? I have a lot of strength and I think I can definitely lift you up.”

Xie Ning pursed his lips and turned his head away from him, ignoring him.

“Is this the first time you’ve come to a plaza at night to shop and wander around?” Zhuang Yan couldn’t help but ask as he watched him stick his head out and look around curiously.

Xie Ning replied, “It is.”

“I don’t really like to go out,” he said slowly, “When I have time, I like to stay at home and draw, especially when it’s nighttime, because I’m more inspired then.”

Zhuang Yan said, “Do all artists like to create things in the middle of the night? I know a screenwriter who couldn’t write a word during the day no matter how hard he scratched his head, but when it hit two or three o’clock in the morning, the ideas started to flow out like water and he would write in a frenzy.”

Xie Ning thought about it and said, “It’s quieter at night and there aren’t isn’t anyone who would bother me, so there will be a little more creativity at night. But it still depends on the person...it’s not too bad for me, and I sleep around midnight every day.”

12 o’clock wasn’t too late, and was still a healthy amount of rest for work. Zhuang Yan himself was sometimes busy until the early hours of the morning because of film editing, so he was in no position to lecture others.

Zhuang Yan said, “Even though I really want to take you around for this experience, this is...also the first time I’ve been here.”

Xie Ning looked over curiously. “It’s also your first time here?”

Zhuang Yan lifted his eyebrows. “You’ve forgotten how long I stayed overseas. These years, there have been a lot of large changes in China, so I might not even know this place as well as you do.”

Xie Ning now remembered that the person next to him was a “returnee” who hadn’t been back in China for long.

“It’s nice that it’s both our first time, anyways,” Zhuang Yan said, “We still have a long way to go together, a lot of time to spend together, and we can create countless experiences that are each other’s firsts.”

On the stage, the singer’s crisp voice traveled from the speakers, but it wasn’t able to cover Zhuang Yan’s deep voice.

He asked, seriously, “Does it sound really romantic?”

The sound of the instruments made dongdongdong sounds, just like Xie Ning’s thunderous heartbeat.

He thought, Zhuang Yan truly is an art film director. Such a simple thing, such an ordinary sentence, became so romantic after he said it.

“It’s very romantic,” Xie Ning responded seriously as his fingers involuntarily trembled a little.

Zhuang Yan thought he was cold because of the wind, so his gaze swept around and found a coffee shop that seemed to be high-end enough and elegant.

The coffee shop had the heater on, so when they pushed the doors open, their whole bodies became warm.

The shop had a slight bourgeoisie style, with wooden tables and chairs, soft sofas, and light white tones...in the center of the floor, there was a grand piano, green plants adjacent to the wall, and floor-to-ceiling bookshelves filled with various magazines in the corners of the room.

The interior design was unique, yet didn’t seem deliberate, and was most likely able to move the hearts of literary and artistic youths.

There were small private rooms on the second floor. Zhuang Yan was burdened because he wasn’t someone who could drink coffee out on the floor, so he decisively took Xie Ning to the second floor.

According to Xie Ning’s taste, he ordered a cup of hot milk and a couple of small cakes.

When the window was pushed out and they looked out, they could see the music plaza’s crowd. Even though they were a little far, the angle that they were overlooking at gave the scene a special flavor.

“To be honest, this is the first time I’ve come to this sort of roadside coffee shop.” Zhuang Yan’s hands were placed lightly on the table.

In the past, when people wanted to treat him to coffee, they would have to ask him three or four times, and when he finally stopped being so noble and agreed, he would find a top-quality coffee shop and do them the honor of sitting down for an hour or two.

Xie Ning slowly listened to him and laughed out loud. “You’re not at all grounded. “

Zhuang Yan paid attention to elegance everywhere, so the words “tacky” and “local” would never have anything to do with him for eight lifetimes.

Someone once complained that when he had to drink ice cold water, did he choose the snow melted from the mountains, put it in a delicate porcelain bowl, and add a couple of petals to it?

Zhuang Yan: “...”

Zhuang Yan said, “Don’t believe those words of theirs, those are just lies to make fun of me. All of those rumors are even more exaggerated than the perfect Mary Sue in novels.”

Xie Ning remembered when he took Zhuang Yan to the clay pot restaurant near X university. His attire and aura didn’t fit with the place at all, but he stayed with him to finish eating everything.

The freshly ground coffee took a long time to be served. Zhuang Yan added a sugar cube, used a spoon to mix it, and took a sip, saying, “But when I’m with you, I don’t mind anything we do.”

Xie Ning blinked, and heard Zhuang Yan continue, “Probably because this is the first time I’ve ever liked someone.”

Xie Ning paused, and subconsciously said, “This is also my first time…”

“The first time for what?” Zhuang Yan raised his eyebrows and put his spoon on his cup, making them clink together. He asked, in his low voice, “Is this also the first time you’ve liked someone?”

Xie Ning nodded, then seemed to remember something, and paused.

Xu Qing…

He seemed to have never explained to Zhuang Yan about his relations with Xu Qing.

This whole time, Zhuang Yan never brought up anything related to Xu Qing in front of him, as if he was deliberately avoiding it.

So Xie Ning also forgot about Xu Qing in the back of his mind.

Xie Ning pressed his lips together.

But everyone knew that Xu Qing is his ex-boyfriend.

Zhuang Yan, did he...really mind Xu Qing?

What he just said, would Zhuang Yan not believe him and think that he was lying?

Xie Ning’s breaths became short, and his heart started to heart inexplicably.

“You…” His hands, under the table, tightened on the corner of his clothes, but he used a solemn tone to affirm what Zhuang Yan had said. “You’re the first person I’ve liked. I’m not lying to you.”

He racked his brain to organize his words, wanting to explain it more clearly. “Xu Qing, the situation with Xu Qing isn’t like how you imagine it to be…”

Zhuang Yan paused. “How I imagine it to be?”

Xie Ning had no idea that Zhuang Yan had asked Qi Rui to ask about his situation, and only thought that Zhuang Yan had misunderstood. He eagerly reached his hand out and pulled at Zhuang Yan’s sleeve, saying, “I didn’t like him.”

Although he’d already guessed it, Zhuang Yan’s heart still softened when he heard it from Xie Ning himself.

The corners of his lips also hooked upwards involuntarily.

He took Xie Ning’s slightly trembling hand in his own and comforted him, saying, “Don’t be in a rush, speak slowly. I’m listening.”

Xie Ning took a deep breath. “I was together with him before for, for a reason.”

Zhuang Yan said, “Mmn, I know.”

Xie Ning was startled again. “You know?”

“I guessed.” Zhuang Yan lowered his eyes and smiled, saying, “To be honest, I know that there was nothing between you and him, even though I don’t know the reason. But if I want to check, I definitely can.”

“But, I want to hear you tell me yourself.”

Xie Ning’s eyes quickly turned red.

He lowered his head and took two deep breaths. When he spoke, he sounded dry. “Xu Qing...at the time, chased me for two years. I-I never paid attention to him. After graduating from university, my mom...my mom was always introducing me to girls. Her attitude is very fierce. Sometimes she said she wanted to eat dinner with me and only when I arrived did I know that she brought others with her. I...I really didn’t like that.”

The more he spoke, the drier his throat got. Zhuang Yan caringly handed him the milk and said, “There’s no need to be in such a hurry. First take a sip to moisturize your throat.”

Xie Ning licked his dry lips and obediently drank two sips of milk. His voice eased, and he continued, “One time, my mom tried to trick me to go on a blind date again, and I bumped into-into Xu Qing. He pretended to be my boyfriend and helped me out...later on, somehow, this event spread and they all said I was together with Xu Qing.

Zhuang Yan replied, “You didn’t clear it up?”

As soon as he said it, he regretted it.

He asked the question too anxiously. Originally, Xie Ning’s “everything has nothing to do with me” personality wouldn’t have cared about these rumors.

Sure enough, Xie Ning lowered his head and said, “I-I didn’t care.”

Zhuang Yan nodded and didn’t show any sort of displeased expression, instead trying to look as if he’d just asked that casually.

Xie Ning was a little perturbed in his heart, and continued to explain, “Afterwards, I found that it was quite convenient...when I borrowed Xu Qing’s name, my mom-my mom didn’t try to force me as much anymore, and there were more reasons for me to refuse. Then, Xu Qing found me and asked if I could give him a chance...he said…”

The Xu Qing that day was caring and adoring, and said that he hoped Xie Ning would give him a chance and be together with him to try it out.

He said a bunch of things, like how they could just be together in name at first, he wouldn’t force Xie Ning, he would respect Xie Ning’s decisions, etc.

Xie Ning coincidentally needed an excuse to refuse Xia Wan, and after listening to Xu Qing’s sweet words, he couldn’t help but be a little moved.

Zhuang Yan took another sip of coffee and asked, trying to stay calm, “So then you agreed?”

Xie Ning shook his head. “I was still hesitant then. Afterwards, Yan Xi told me that he hoped I would stop being closed off, interact more with others, and try to return someone’s feelings. That year, he thought Xu Qing wasn’t bad…”

“Yan Xi?” Zhuang Yan couldn’t help and ground his teeth. Who knew that Yan Xi had stuck his foot in here?

Xie Ning shrunk his neck back and tried to explain for his best friend, “He was misled that time. He later regretted it a lot, and said that he was blind, trying to persuade me to break up with Xu Qing.”

Zhuang Yan scoffed. “He is pretty blind.”

Even though Xu Qing had the status of a boyfriend, Xie Ning’s attitude towards him was as cold as always.

He wasn’t able to have any feelings for Xu Qing.

Later, Xu Qing probably felt like he couldn’t gain any sweetness from Xie Ning, and started to expose his true nature. He started to spend his time drinking and in pleasure, and his reputation began to spread quickly through word of mouth.

Xie Ning had mentioned breaking up to Xu Qing before, but for some reason, Xu Qing wasn’t willing at all.

And Xie Ning, using Xu Qing as a boyfriend in name only as a shield, felt like the effect wasn’t bad. He didn’t care much about Xu Qing’s reputation outside, so he wasn’t too firm about breaking up.

Xie Ning once thought that in his lifetime, he wouldn’t ever like anyone and wouldn’t be together with anyone.

He thought he was going to spend his life in solitude. So, as long as his boyfriend in name didn’t interfere with his life, he didn’t care if it was a Tom or a Jack, because it didn’t have anything to do with him.

After hearing him talk about the reason and its effects, Zhuang Yan let out a long breath.

“Then do you still need a shield now? I think I’m probably hundreds of times better than Xu Qing is.” Seeing Xie Ning’s nervous appearance, he wanted to liven up the atmosphere, and made a joke.

Xie Ning paused and slowly blushed. “...There’s no need now.”

Zhuang Yan showed a disappointed expression.

Xie Ning said quietly, “You’re not a shield.”

Zhuang Yan asked, “Then what am I?”

Xie Ning seriously said, “If...if I agree, it’s definitely because I really want to be with you, and not to use you as a shield.”

Zhuang Yan’s heart warmed, and he couldn’t help but rub Xie Ning’s head. “I know. I was just joking around with you.”

After a pause, he melancholically asked, “Though I don’t know how long I have to wait until the day I can hear your answer.”

The milk in Xie Ning’s cup was almost gone, and he pursed his lips.

“It’s okay,” Zhuang Yan smiled. “Take your time to think about it. It doesn’t matter how long I have to wait, and if worse comes to worst, I’ll just chase you for two years too.”

Unexpectedly, Xie Ning subconsciously responded, “It won’t be that long…”

Zhuang Yan, surprised, looked at him, and Xie Ning suddenly stopped talking.

Zhuang Yan didn’t want to force him, and he thought of something he wanted to ask, “The tattoo on your wrist of a bird. Does that mean anything?”

He originally thought that the tattoo had something to do with Xu Qing, but now that he’d heard Xie Ning’s explanation, he thought that it wasn’t the case.

Although Xie Ning is a lover of the arts, he didn’t seem like someone who’d get a tattoo.

Zhuang Yan had been curious about this tattoo for a long time.

Xie Ning, after hearing him ask, broke out into a cold sweat, his heart beat suddenly quickened, his hands tightened on the cup, and his knuckles looked bruised.

He said, with difficulty, “...Tattoo?”

“When you were drunk the other day, I saw it by accident.” Zhuang Yan explained, “Is there some special meaning to the bird?”

Xie Ning was silent for a while, and his breathing calmed down little by little.

“There’s no special meaning,” he said.

“It just means freedom and being unrestrained.”

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Author’s Note: ZhuangZhuang: This is my first time.

NingNing: ...Me-me too.

??? Are you guys talking about something embarrassing?!

Twitter: @jiyangtrans